Do I Still Want to Be a Therapist?
You’ve probably heard the saying “the session is done when the note is done”. For several years now, I have lived by this motto to keep me on track with notes and be realistic when my work day is really over. It’s also a reminder that, when working as a therapist, you need bandwidth for so much more than just the 50-minute sessions. In addition to seeing clients and writing notes, there is so much to do!
process payments
gather resources
return calls and emails
complete continuing education requirements
renew your license
get consultation
pay your taxes
and on and on
This is partly why I have 30 minutes between sessions, but that’s a whole other story! As a conscientious and organized person, I am great at completing these admin tasks, keeping a balanced schedule, holding boundaries around my availability, and getting self-care regularly but there’s a big piece of the puzzle I have been leaving out.
Recently I realized that I had stopped reflecting on how I felt doing the work and the emotional toll of holding so much anxiety, grief, and hopelessness over the past few years. I think part of me assumed what I was feeling was a given - all therapists are more tired lately so there’s no need to look further. My big wake up call was when I started feeling the need to lay down immediately after sessions (I’m not a napper) and would feel relieved when my client days were over for the week.
I started to wonder, do I not want to be a therapist anymore? Will I be another casualty to burnout? The weird thing was that I didn’t feel burned out and the thought of stepping away from my role as a therapist felt incredibly sad. Thankfully I was able to be present in sessions while my clients were making progress and reported feeling safe and seen. But behind the scenes there was this overall feeling of dread and saturation so week after week in consultation I dug in to look at what was coming up for me.
Spoiler alert: it was a lot!
My first step back to myself was using my 30 minute breaks much more intentionally. I decided I would write my note after the session so I could feel the session was fully complete immediately afterwards (I typically batch my notes at the end of the day). Then I took a few minutes to reflect and write down how I was feeling about the session itself, but also the cumulative effect of all my sessions throughout my day. I realized just how much I had been needing to process and some days I would just sit in the quiet, really noticing all that I had been trying to push away.
As someone who learned at a young age to find comfort and purpose in “doing”, I’m that person who organizes something at home when they’re stressed or needs to clean the house to be able to focus. I find comfort in creating order out of chaos, especially when it’s tangible like a tidy closet. As you can imagine, I have had to work at the “being” part of my work as a therapist. Constantly reminding myself not to work harder than the client, to allow the therapeutic process to unfold over time, and to be patient with the long game of deep healing work.
As hopelessness and uncertainty seemed to swirl all around these past few years, I wanted to find a way to step into “doing” more often. In doing mode, I can channel my anxiety into action, feel in control of something, and have tangible results (like a clean house or an organized filing cabinet). Doing is the antidote to the unknown, to feeling helpless. I was looking for this feeling of certainty in my work as a therapist as I held more and more suffering, even though we all know therapy doesn’t work in such defined and predictable ways.
Instead, I’m reconnecting with “being” in the emotions of being a highly sensitive therapist going through the same experience as her clients. I’m still tired some days, but instead of running from the difficult feelings of being a therapist right now, I’m releasing, digesting, processing, and integrating. I’m looking at all the layers (because there are certainly bright spots) and remembering why I chose this field in the first place.
My new motto is now “the session is done when the self-reflection is done”. Writing my notes now includes finishing the progress note in my EHR and reflecting on my own state of affairs. The whole process takes me about 10 minutes, leaving me 20 minutes to recharge a bit and get ready for the next session. This work is certainly not easy, but it’s fulfilling and purposeful, so I continue to find ways to navigate through the tough spots and remind myself to notice the magic.
What I hope you take away from this story is how important it is for you as a Sensitive Therapist to take time to process the impact of doing this work and to nurture yourself on client days. Just focusing on the administrative side of being a therapist and only getting self-care time on the weekends is not sustainable for someone who feels deeply and has a high level of empathy. Carve out moments to release, digest, and recharge as often as you can.
